There’s a way out of this cycle at every ramp.
1. Get in therapy and do your own healing work. Learn about your predominant attachment style and ways to feel more secure in relationships. Heal your trauma. Build a support system. Take care of your physical, mental, spiritual, and financial health.
2. Learn and practice healthy communication skills. Research the differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships, and tools for maintaining financial independence in relationships. Learn to recognize red flags early on. Learn to be satisfied being alone. Have healthy support systems and listen to their feedback about potential partners. Get support if you need to get out of an unhealthy relationship.
3. Read and research about children’s development and how to develop healthy attachment with your kids, especially in those first five years of their lives. Get help for any perinatal mood changes (including you, dads!). Attend parenting classes and support groups. Have a network of parents who are also working to create secure attachments with their children. Get help for any medical or mental health issues. Don’t believe that just because your parents did it, and you survived, then it’s okay. Surviving your childhood is different from having a healthy attachment system.
4. There’s no shame in getting counseling for your kids, and please don’t wait until it’s a life or death situation. There are therapists who work with the family as a unit, and therapists who see children as young as toddlers. It’s never too soon, and it’s never too late. Let’s normalize talking about emotions and asking for help. Encourage your kids to reach out for help. Normalize crying when sad. Normalize making mistakes, and taking accountability. Treat your kids like the small, developing humans they are, instead of the obedient, unseen & unheard child you were raised to be.
About the Author
Kara Ashley-Gilmore believes in the use of our innate creativity for our wellness and healing. She is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor, Registered Art Therapist, Provisional Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, and a mixed-media artist at Mountain Creative Arts Counseling, in Hendersonville, NC. She provides individual and group psychotherapy and with individuals who feel crushed by the weight of their worries, dread their next panic attack, and live with overactive inner critics. Learn more about her work at www.mountaincreativearts.com.